Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
