Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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