My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
