Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
