I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
it's great music for shaving your balls
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
