Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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