Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
