I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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