Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
