He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
