how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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