I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
