Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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