i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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