Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
