forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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