We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
he just fucked me for my cheese..
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize