apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize