and she was petting her beer can
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize