puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
