Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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