i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
