rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i came on her dog
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
