I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
