I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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