My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
