Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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