i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
