Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
