When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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