My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
