Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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