living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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