guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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