i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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