I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
