its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
