Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
