Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
