I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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