mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
50% drunk capacity currently
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize