I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
