A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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