i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
