When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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