Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I need help removing her.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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