Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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