i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
