mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Randomize
