i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
