Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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