I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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