i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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