I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
