I can tuck mytits in my pants
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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