Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My hand turned me down
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
