hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
