Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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