mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
