you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize