oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
